tao lin’s spring break


tao lin looked up and stared at the sun too long and thought ‘it’s the sunniest day ever’
then he thought about his short story collection
tao lin thought about the twenty-five to thirty to fifty depressed people in the stories

tao lin thought about how all those depressed people were happier than him
with feelings that are not exactly like his tao lin is not sure how he can live with this
he doesn’t know what to do

he waits for his writing professor who helps him publish this book and tells him
if he’s self-indulgent
tao lin wants to agree with his professor and feel sort of hollow and good
but the teacher doesn’t show up

tao lin calls me
the only girl in the world that he likes
i cancel on him and ask him if he wants me to call him over spring break
he says, ‘if you want to’

and i say i will
but of course i won’t

tao lin goes to the bookstore and buys three of the most depressing books
he can find but he doesn’t finish them because they aren’t depressing enough

tao lin buys a six dollar fruit and eats it while he walks around
he thinks about walking on water and wants to be the one to walk on water
so he can be amazed that he is not below and inside the concrete,
tao lin held completely still
just below the sidewalk

tao lin sits on the train with his eyes shut thinking about this stupid world
he thinks about his giant brain and imagines a huge wet heart there instead
he thinks about hearts where his organs and bones are
there are hearts beating inside the bodies spread throughout the city
all the bodies in the stupid world fill with hearts and it is wet out
tao lin walks home at three p.m. it is bright out and his day is over

tao lin is on the bed waiting for your phone call
the only person in the world that he likes
you are his favorite person
he thinks you aren’t god
but he is wrong
because you create the universe
and sometimes you can save him for a little while
and you aren’t in love with him so he guesses you can do something,
but he still wants to murder you and me and himself

tao lin gets up and shuts his door and shuts the blinds and turns off all the lights
he turns off the fan and all the little noisemakers

tao lin hides under the comforter and pretends it is night
he tries to pretend this is irony and humor
by staying detached

but he can’t tao lin tries to cry but he doesn’t
so he just stays still and thinks about the cell phone
tao lin hopes that you are really in love with him
while he is still under the blanket
he thinks about the devil telling you you’d die
or something

tao lin stays still and time continues and he thinks
about sleeping for an entire day instead of waking up at 9 p.m.
tao lin is going a little insane
he is thinking, ‘please, just let me go to sleep, please’
after a couple hours tao lin goes insane
he starts crying he tells himself it is minuscule and not even real tears
a piece of tao lin’s brainheart releases into the other hearts
a clot forms and then a thousand million pieces of heart fly out of his body
tao lin is gone there are pieces of hearts all over his room