________
i will create an AIMbot
that can generate conversation similar to tao lin
i will call it
‘tao lin’
and i will send instant messages to ‘tao lin’
and i will invite ‘tao lin’ over to my house to show him
and he will say ‘haha’ and never show up
and i will look at my face in the mirror
and i will have an honest question
later i will tell him he isn’t polite
because he never came over
and he will say ‘i enjoyed this’
and after a while i will get off instant messenger
and you won’t call
and i won’t either
and after a while i won’t like you anymore
and after a while we’ll forget each other
and after a while we will both be inside of coffins you will be discolored
and remembered and alone inside of your coffin
and i’ll be beautiful and full of maggots and alone inside of my coffin
11.3.08
if i push you a little and get hit by a truck instead i’m okay with that
________
i refuse the painkillers to help my mood
at night i sound like a five-year-old
i am love i am the national book award
i say, ‘isn’t it funny we both didn’t get hit by a truck’
you say, ‘be careful what you wish for’
i say, ‘um, why should i be careful what i wish for if i’ll be happy
if i get what i want?’
you say, ‘it’s hard to tell if you’re being sarcastic’
i say ‘we would be able to have a real conversation in the hospital’
i roll to face away from you and vomit in a bedpan
there is blood in the vomit and i am still pretty happy
i refuse the painkillers to help my mood
at night i sound like a five-year-old
i am love i am the national book award
i say, ‘isn’t it funny we both didn’t get hit by a truck’
you say, ‘be careful what you wish for’
i say, ‘um, why should i be careful what i wish for if i’ll be happy
if i get what i want?’
you say, ‘it’s hard to tell if you’re being sarcastic’
i say ‘we would be able to have a real conversation in the hospital’
i roll to face away from you and vomit in a bedpan
there is blood in the vomit and i am still pretty happy
i want to throw a carton of orange juice at your face
________
i want to throw a carton of orange juice at your face and
when it is in the air
i want it to turn into a dozen oranges
that hit your face and body and when you fall back asleep
i want the oranges to turn into orange juice
that doesn’t evaporate at all
and makes us take ourselves somewhere else away from this sticky
i want to throw a carton of orange juice at your face and
when it is in the air
i want it to turn into a dozen oranges
that hit your face and body and when you fall back asleep
i want the oranges to turn into orange juice
that doesn’t evaporate at all
and makes us take ourselves somewhere else away from this sticky
that night with the green sky
________
it was snowing here and there at the same time
you were in the city and every time you looked up
someone was leaning out a window, watching you
think about how much someone liked you
you sat at the window and made your eyes wider
then squinted and leaned on the window with your forehead you looked confused
i think that maybe you were thinking that you’d make us disappear
by changing the shape of your eyes like you were thinking
while you leaned on the window
and that hurts
why did you want us gone?
i’m over it
why?
why?
some things aren’t worth explaining, i guess
like the color of the sky that night
it was snowing here and there at the same time
you were in the city and every time you looked up
someone was leaning out a window, watching you
think about how much someone liked you
you sat at the window and made your eyes wider
then squinted and leaned on the window with your forehead you looked confused
i think that maybe you were thinking that you’d make us disappear
by changing the shape of your eyes like you were thinking
while you leaned on the window
and that hurts
why did you want us gone?
i’m over it
why?
why?
some things aren’t worth explaining, i guess
like the color of the sky that night
poems that look like poems
________
one time i wrote a poem that looked just like a poem
it looked like a poem would
if it were a poem
if i were slamming against you and losing by three hundred
i’d just hold up the poem and everyone would see it was a poem
and i would win and you’d be angry but then we would laugh
and that could be fun
this other time you had some book
you were looking for a poem about horses to show me
you pointed at a poem that looked like a poem
i said ‘that looks like a poem’
and you said, ‘read it, it’s pretty’
another time i was thinking about how i didn’t read the poem about horses
i was thinking you thought the poem was pretty
and i think it looked just like a poem
and i was thinking there is no connection in those two things, and that is kind of nice
because it was actually free of bullshit, finally
one time i wrote a poem that looked just like a poem
it looked like a poem would
if it were a poem
if i were slamming against you and losing by three hundred
i’d just hold up the poem and everyone would see it was a poem
and i would win and you’d be angry but then we would laugh
and that could be fun
this other time you had some book
you were looking for a poem about horses to show me
you pointed at a poem that looked like a poem
i said ‘that looks like a poem’
and you said, ‘read it, it’s pretty’
another time i was thinking about how i didn’t read the poem about horses
i was thinking you thought the poem was pretty
and i think it looked just like a poem
and i was thinking there is no connection in those two things, and that is kind of nice
because it was actually free of bullshit, finally
tao lin’s spring break
________
tao lin looked up and stared at the sun too long and thought ‘it’s the sunniest day ever’
then he thought about his short story collection
tao lin thought about the twenty-five to thirty to fifty depressed people in the stories
tao lin thought about how all those depressed people were happier than him
with feelings that are not exactly like his tao lin is not sure how he can live with this
he doesn’t know what to do
he waits for his writing professor who helps him publish this book and tells him
if he’s self-indulgent
tao lin wants to agree with his professor and feel sort of hollow and good
but the teacher doesn’t show up
tao lin calls me
the only girl in the world that he likes
i cancel on him and ask him if he wants me to call him over spring break
he says, ‘if you want to’
and i say i will
but of course i won’t
tao lin goes to the bookstore and buys three of the most depressing books
he can find but he doesn’t finish them because they aren’t depressing enough
tao lin buys a six dollar fruit and eats it while he walks around
he thinks about walking on water and wants to be the one to walk on water
so he can be amazed that he is not below and inside the concrete,
tao lin held completely still
just below the sidewalk
tao lin sits on the train with his eyes shut thinking about this stupid world
he thinks about his giant brain and imagines a huge wet heart there instead
he thinks about hearts where his organs and bones are
there are hearts beating inside the bodies spread throughout the city
all the bodies in the stupid world fill with hearts and it is wet out
tao lin walks home at three p.m. it is bright out and his day is over
tao lin is on the bed waiting for your phone call
the only person in the world that he likes
you are his favorite person
he thinks you aren’t god
but he is wrong
because you create the universe
and sometimes you can save him for a little while
and you aren’t in love with him so he guesses you can do something,
but he still wants to murder you and me and himself
tao lin gets up and shuts his door and shuts the blinds and turns off all the lights
he turns off the fan and all the little noisemakers
tao lin hides under the comforter and pretends it is night
he tries to pretend this is irony and humor
by staying detached
but he can’t tao lin tries to cry but he doesn’t
so he just stays still and thinks about the cell phone
tao lin hopes that you are really in love with him
while he is still under the blanket
he thinks about the devil telling you you’d die
or something
tao lin stays still and time continues and he thinks
about sleeping for an entire day instead of waking up at 9 p.m.
tao lin is going a little insane
he is thinking, ‘please, just let me go to sleep, please’
after a couple hours tao lin goes insane
he starts crying he tells himself it is minuscule and not even real tears
a piece of tao lin’s brainheart releases into the other hearts
a clot forms and then a thousand million pieces of heart fly out of his body
tao lin is gone there are pieces of hearts all over his room
tao lin looked up and stared at the sun too long and thought ‘it’s the sunniest day ever’
then he thought about his short story collection
tao lin thought about the twenty-five to thirty to fifty depressed people in the stories
tao lin thought about how all those depressed people were happier than him
with feelings that are not exactly like his tao lin is not sure how he can live with this
he doesn’t know what to do
he waits for his writing professor who helps him publish this book and tells him
if he’s self-indulgent
tao lin wants to agree with his professor and feel sort of hollow and good
but the teacher doesn’t show up
tao lin calls me
the only girl in the world that he likes
i cancel on him and ask him if he wants me to call him over spring break
he says, ‘if you want to’
and i say i will
but of course i won’t
tao lin goes to the bookstore and buys three of the most depressing books
he can find but he doesn’t finish them because they aren’t depressing enough
tao lin buys a six dollar fruit and eats it while he walks around
he thinks about walking on water and wants to be the one to walk on water
so he can be amazed that he is not below and inside the concrete,
tao lin held completely still
just below the sidewalk
tao lin sits on the train with his eyes shut thinking about this stupid world
he thinks about his giant brain and imagines a huge wet heart there instead
he thinks about hearts where his organs and bones are
there are hearts beating inside the bodies spread throughout the city
all the bodies in the stupid world fill with hearts and it is wet out
tao lin walks home at three p.m. it is bright out and his day is over
tao lin is on the bed waiting for your phone call
the only person in the world that he likes
you are his favorite person
he thinks you aren’t god
but he is wrong
because you create the universe
and sometimes you can save him for a little while
and you aren’t in love with him so he guesses you can do something,
but he still wants to murder you and me and himself
tao lin gets up and shuts his door and shuts the blinds and turns off all the lights
he turns off the fan and all the little noisemakers
tao lin hides under the comforter and pretends it is night
he tries to pretend this is irony and humor
by staying detached
but he can’t tao lin tries to cry but he doesn’t
so he just stays still and thinks about the cell phone
tao lin hopes that you are really in love with him
while he is still under the blanket
he thinks about the devil telling you you’d die
or something
tao lin stays still and time continues and he thinks
about sleeping for an entire day instead of waking up at 9 p.m.
tao lin is going a little insane
he is thinking, ‘please, just let me go to sleep, please’
after a couple hours tao lin goes insane
he starts crying he tells himself it is minuscule and not even real tears
a piece of tao lin’s brainheart releases into the other hearts
a clot forms and then a thousand million pieces of heart fly out of his body
tao lin is gone there are pieces of hearts all over his room
i did nothing today and i wanted a lot
________
today was boring because there was a big list of things i wanted that i didn’t get
you were on the list
it involved a vacuum
i wanted to feel sleepy and happy and comfortable
i wanted stay bored with my ear on the pillow wanting things
today was boring because there was a big list of things i wanted that i didn’t get
you were on the list
it involved a vacuum
i wanted to feel sleepy and happy and comfortable
i wanted stay bored with my ear on the pillow wanting things
i have started a band and you are in it
________
everyone in the band is a genius
we all have creative control
everyone is a little afraid of us
during practice we sing into microphones
then tao lin speaks to the bassist in private
he tells the bassist to do more triplets and chords
the bassist doesn’t get angry
and he doesn’t play any more triplets or chords
tao lin looks pissed over in the corner
holding onto his jealous girlfriend who is holding a guitar
tao lin does some hand motions to represent triplets and chords
but the bass player doesn’t see so tao lin’s girlfriend leaves him
but later she comes back like nothing happened
a lot of people are in the band and it is going well
we are the grammy we wear the rockstarrobes
tao lin huddles us all around him like a coach
he tells us about a plot to get his girlfriend to sing alone
no one pays attention everyone starts playing while tao lin plots
he grabs the mic and sings the lyric, ‘i pretended to leave you
because i am a bad and immature person’
it sounds alright
later he gives the bassist a list of rules and the bassist
starts a petition to kick tao lin out of the band the petition says,
‘i really like this band, i really like being in a big band with everyone.
but if we don’t kick tao lin out of the band then i will make him do pushups
i will make him do five hundred pushups while he hums the clown song,
you know the one they play when the bear wearing a hat is on the unicycle,
then i will stand on his spine while he does the last ten pushups to paralyze him
from the neck down.’
and we don’t want tao lin to be paralyzed
se we kick him out of the band
everyone in the band is a genius
we all have creative control
everyone is a little afraid of us
during practice we sing into microphones
then tao lin speaks to the bassist in private
he tells the bassist to do more triplets and chords
the bassist doesn’t get angry
and he doesn’t play any more triplets or chords
tao lin looks pissed over in the corner
holding onto his jealous girlfriend who is holding a guitar
tao lin does some hand motions to represent triplets and chords
but the bass player doesn’t see so tao lin’s girlfriend leaves him
but later she comes back like nothing happened
a lot of people are in the band and it is going well
we are the grammy we wear the rockstarrobes
tao lin huddles us all around him like a coach
he tells us about a plot to get his girlfriend to sing alone
no one pays attention everyone starts playing while tao lin plots
he grabs the mic and sings the lyric, ‘i pretended to leave you
because i am a bad and immature person’
it sounds alright
later he gives the bassist a list of rules and the bassist
starts a petition to kick tao lin out of the band the petition says,
‘i really like this band, i really like being in a big band with everyone.
but if we don’t kick tao lin out of the band then i will make him do pushups
i will make him do five hundred pushups while he hums the clown song,
you know the one they play when the bear wearing a hat is on the unicycle,
then i will stand on his spine while he does the last ten pushups to paralyze him
from the neck down.’
and we don’t want tao lin to be paralyzed
se we kick him out of the band
i am employed
________
i wake up at 5 a.m.
i am alert
i feel dehydrated and alert
happiness is moving through me, tentatively, like it’s not sure of itself
i stand next to the sink and take a long drink from a glass of water
i think about the long period of time when i didn’t feel happiness
i feel movement inside my stomach, i say to my happiness,
‘are you leaving already? don’t go yet. slow down.’ and i am saying
‘no. oh. i will just keep it moving through me and let it go away,
that’s it,’ my happiness moves a little quicker now and it is
showing teeth and i start sweating and i wipe the sweat off
with my tie and then it is nighttime and i am in bed and can’t sleep
because my head sounds like this:
DUUUUUHHHHHHHHH
DUUUUUHHHHHHHHH
DUUUUUHHHHHHHHH
and it also sounds like this:
haha, muah, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, yum
and that sounds like a desk fan
so i fall calmly asleep
and the next day i am in the one room of the building where i work
and my boss is sitting next to me and he is breathing heavily
and not saying anything until he says, ‘well,’ for the length of an exhale
and i think it might be what he says before he fires someone and i feel kind of
alone in the world, ground level and lonely, even though i am happy enough
to laugh at a joke on tv and look at the face of my customers
and it is a mystery, really, what might be in there, and i cannot resist this
i close my hand on some change in the tip jar and slowly take
my hand out of the tip jar while staring at my boss’s face and
then glance and see the change on the counter, there is a dime,
three nickels, two quarters, twelve pennies, a button, a piece of yarn,
and a scrap of paper advertising a job conference at the best western
and i feel afraid and doomed while i am happy and a little lonely
behind the counter exchanging tender for the convenience store
and then work is over and i stand and smile and my boss
does not stand but smiles up at me and i laugh and my boss laughs and
i say, ‘that’s it, i’m done. have a good one,’ and my boss says,
‘hey, have fun’ and i laugh and my boss laughs and i think i
might go to the park and ask a sixty year old woman out
so i can tell her what i have learned about life and mortality and
death and she will be able to teach me and relate at the same time because
she is forty years older than me but then i am taking the key out of my lock
and opening the door and closing the door and turning on the tv
i steal a vitamin water
i say to myself, ‘stay healthy’
my brain says, ‘stay healthy and happy’
my brain says, ‘just give up’
and i say to my brain, ‘fuck you’
my brain says, ‘drink some regular water’
and i say, ‘no, not yet’
because i know secretly that i was caught stealing the vitamin water
and i don’t want to be finished by the time the police get to the door
i put the empty bottle in my bag and take it to work the next day
i put the bottle on the counter and name it C.E.O of the store
i want it to emanate an aura of firing me; and i want my boss
to be trained in interpreting emanations of bottled water and be
watching us approach from a distance and tap my shoulder and
say, ‘hey, i think the C.E.O is emanating an aura of wanting to fire you
from your full-time job that pays part-time’
i look around
my brain says, ‘your happy, do something’
i go into a deli and feel happy
because i am holding a grenade
i waved it in the air at the deli owner right when i went in
if he doesn’t forget i waved it at him he will probably shoot me
with a normal bullet that will kill me because my grenade looks like a grenade
but he forgets and
i leave the deli and i am kind of annoyed
on the sidewalk my brain says, ‘hey calm down your still happy’
i say, ‘i know’
and i fidget
i say, ‘i was happy anyway, even if you didn’t say that, so don’t
think i’m happy just because you said that’
i open a bottle of water
and i say, ‘i am equal with you and you can’t control me’
and i quickly drink my bottled water before i can respond to what
i said and the water is cold and it coats my esophagus and the cold
goes through my stomach and my heart starts to pump cold blood
and my brain shivers and makes a noise against my skull and i get
a little nervous but it is fun and i go home and lie on my bed
and roll over and i am having a nightmare
but the nightmare is cinematic and there is no plot but it is coherent
and i am impressed with the number of periphery characters
that don’t effect anything and the silent vast landscapes
there is no director even though it is a hollywood spectacle
and millions of dollars worth of effects are used in explosions
and cgi stunts where someone somersaults and stabs me in the heart
then cartwheels into a pit of fire and there is no plot but there are
themes and there is telepathy instead of conversation and i think
i am the national book award and i am writing an essay on it
and having footnotes and extrapolating those footnotes into a second
essay that is critical of the national book award for having this nightmare
i am happy and the essay gets rejected from harper’s and i am still happy
while i am still writing the essay in my nightmare and watching the
special effects of my nightmare like it was a movie
and i am writing the first line of the second essay
and the first line that i am writing is, ‘the worst award of its generation’
and then the nightmare is over and the ending doesn’t disappoint or teach me
i am the national book award and i am channeling that into taking a flamethrower
into a forest and burning wild animals and tress
and people in amusement park animal costumes that are running in the forest
mauling campers and smashing rabbits and paralyzing them and eating them alive
then i find a replica of my nightmare in pill form and i take the pill and experience it
all again and it is brilliant and i wake up smiling
i don’t shower
i put on sunglasses
and go outside
it feels like i am happy because every light is green
but really only the first two lights are green
the third is red
and i am still happy i start to feel disappointed that i am still happy
and at the next red light i am still disappointed and i imagine i am
in a place where you can’t cross the road wherever you want
my disappointment says, ‘it is too bad and the light is red.’
right before i said the light was red it turned green so
i was sarcastic when i said the light was red but
the bus doesn’t kill me and it doesn’t honk
and there is little noise but the drivers look agitated
and staring at me because they are angry and that
is good enough i could of walked faster i can’t hear them
inside their cars but they look like they are angry and that
is good enough and i drop my sunglasses and i stand there
and my brain releases melatonin and i feel sleepy but alive
and the light turns green and all the angry people drive away
some of the passengers look at me standing on the corner
one of them grins i watch the grin ride past my brain says,
‘wait; let me try something,’ and releases more melatonin
and i feel so sleepy and restless and sluggish and maybe even sad
and my brain says, ‘yeah, it’s always been sadness,’
and i say, ‘shut up, it’s more complicated than that’
but i let it
i am sad
my brain says, ‘don’t waste this’
i say, ‘i know,’ and i go into work and stand there
and my brain says, ‘this is work’
and i turn and walk behind the counter and i sit where i can look out a window
i feel afraid that the people at my work are talking about something devious and
financially crippling i did to them because i walked in and sat where i could
look out the window without saying anything i look at a bowling ally
across the street thinking they are talking about
how my detachment is worry and that this is worse that robbing them
straightforwardly because at least in a straightforward situation they
would know what was happening and feel psychologically stable
instead of desensitized and afraid which is how i feel
i see a bowler across the street and the bowler waves hi
i sprint wildly across the street and high five the bowler wearing a wrist guard
because i was really sad until i saw the bowler then i fell in love with the bowler
and i was happy again now i’m back at work humming and scrubbing and smiling
they all say, ‘bowl with me’
and i hand them their change
and one of them says, ‘i rejected all your stories’
then one says, ‘should i buy this’
and soon they all are putting down the bowling balls on the counter and saying
‘should i buy this’
and i get off work
and eat a cookie
and the cookie says nothing
and i go through the zoo and see a dead giraffe on the ground beside a tree
and it is saying, ‘subscribe to me’
it’s saying, ‘don’t ignore me’
it says, ‘save yourself’
and it says, ‘detonate the free t-shirt’
but i have sunglasses on so i can pretend that i didn’t see the
giraffe or hear it because when you have sunglasses on you
can’t hear giraffe anymore and people accept that and so i
step away from the ledge and then it is nighttime and i am in bed and
having another nightmare
but this time there isn’t anything going on
most of what i can see is dark and there is the top of a skull lit up
near the middle for hours i dream about the skull doing nothing
nothing happens i ache and shiver in my sleep at one point
the skull begins to crack and the brain starts to show
a lot of the brain is showing now
and then the skull stops breaking
this is a nightmare and not funny at all but deadly serious because the nightmare
has no sense of humor for a long time it is just the exposed brain surrounded
with a little bit of skull and at the end of the nightmare i touch the top of my head
my hand touches hair touching a pillow i cartwheel out of bed and
go stand near the mirror to get ready for work i scratch my head
and yawn and then drive away in my real life
i wake up at 5 a.m.
i am alert
i feel dehydrated and alert
happiness is moving through me, tentatively, like it’s not sure of itself
i stand next to the sink and take a long drink from a glass of water
i think about the long period of time when i didn’t feel happiness
i feel movement inside my stomach, i say to my happiness,
‘are you leaving already? don’t go yet. slow down.’ and i am saying
‘no. oh. i will just keep it moving through me and let it go away,
that’s it,’ my happiness moves a little quicker now and it is
showing teeth and i start sweating and i wipe the sweat off
with my tie and then it is nighttime and i am in bed and can’t sleep
because my head sounds like this:
DUUUUUHHHHHHHHH
DUUUUUHHHHHHHHH
DUUUUUHHHHHHHHH
and it also sounds like this:
haha, muah, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, yum
and that sounds like a desk fan
so i fall calmly asleep
and the next day i am in the one room of the building where i work
and my boss is sitting next to me and he is breathing heavily
and not saying anything until he says, ‘well,’ for the length of an exhale
and i think it might be what he says before he fires someone and i feel kind of
alone in the world, ground level and lonely, even though i am happy enough
to laugh at a joke on tv and look at the face of my customers
and it is a mystery, really, what might be in there, and i cannot resist this
i close my hand on some change in the tip jar and slowly take
my hand out of the tip jar while staring at my boss’s face and
then glance and see the change on the counter, there is a dime,
three nickels, two quarters, twelve pennies, a button, a piece of yarn,
and a scrap of paper advertising a job conference at the best western
and i feel afraid and doomed while i am happy and a little lonely
behind the counter exchanging tender for the convenience store
and then work is over and i stand and smile and my boss
does not stand but smiles up at me and i laugh and my boss laughs and
i say, ‘that’s it, i’m done. have a good one,’ and my boss says,
‘hey, have fun’ and i laugh and my boss laughs and i think i
might go to the park and ask a sixty year old woman out
so i can tell her what i have learned about life and mortality and
death and she will be able to teach me and relate at the same time because
she is forty years older than me but then i am taking the key out of my lock
and opening the door and closing the door and turning on the tv
i steal a vitamin water
i say to myself, ‘stay healthy’
my brain says, ‘stay healthy and happy’
my brain says, ‘just give up’
and i say to my brain, ‘fuck you’
my brain says, ‘drink some regular water’
and i say, ‘no, not yet’
because i know secretly that i was caught stealing the vitamin water
and i don’t want to be finished by the time the police get to the door
i put the empty bottle in my bag and take it to work the next day
i put the bottle on the counter and name it C.E.O of the store
i want it to emanate an aura of firing me; and i want my boss
to be trained in interpreting emanations of bottled water and be
watching us approach from a distance and tap my shoulder and
say, ‘hey, i think the C.E.O is emanating an aura of wanting to fire you
from your full-time job that pays part-time’
i look around
my brain says, ‘your happy, do something’
i go into a deli and feel happy
because i am holding a grenade
i waved it in the air at the deli owner right when i went in
if he doesn’t forget i waved it at him he will probably shoot me
with a normal bullet that will kill me because my grenade looks like a grenade
but he forgets and
i leave the deli and i am kind of annoyed
on the sidewalk my brain says, ‘hey calm down your still happy’
i say, ‘i know’
and i fidget
i say, ‘i was happy anyway, even if you didn’t say that, so don’t
think i’m happy just because you said that’
i open a bottle of water
and i say, ‘i am equal with you and you can’t control me’
and i quickly drink my bottled water before i can respond to what
i said and the water is cold and it coats my esophagus and the cold
goes through my stomach and my heart starts to pump cold blood
and my brain shivers and makes a noise against my skull and i get
a little nervous but it is fun and i go home and lie on my bed
and roll over and i am having a nightmare
but the nightmare is cinematic and there is no plot but it is coherent
and i am impressed with the number of periphery characters
that don’t effect anything and the silent vast landscapes
there is no director even though it is a hollywood spectacle
and millions of dollars worth of effects are used in explosions
and cgi stunts where someone somersaults and stabs me in the heart
then cartwheels into a pit of fire and there is no plot but there are
themes and there is telepathy instead of conversation and i think
i am the national book award and i am writing an essay on it
and having footnotes and extrapolating those footnotes into a second
essay that is critical of the national book award for having this nightmare
i am happy and the essay gets rejected from harper’s and i am still happy
while i am still writing the essay in my nightmare and watching the
special effects of my nightmare like it was a movie
and i am writing the first line of the second essay
and the first line that i am writing is, ‘the worst award of its generation’
and then the nightmare is over and the ending doesn’t disappoint or teach me
i am the national book award and i am channeling that into taking a flamethrower
into a forest and burning wild animals and tress
and people in amusement park animal costumes that are running in the forest
mauling campers and smashing rabbits and paralyzing them and eating them alive
then i find a replica of my nightmare in pill form and i take the pill and experience it
all again and it is brilliant and i wake up smiling
i don’t shower
i put on sunglasses
and go outside
it feels like i am happy because every light is green
but really only the first two lights are green
the third is red
and i am still happy i start to feel disappointed that i am still happy
and at the next red light i am still disappointed and i imagine i am
in a place where you can’t cross the road wherever you want
my disappointment says, ‘it is too bad and the light is red.’
right before i said the light was red it turned green so
i was sarcastic when i said the light was red but
the bus doesn’t kill me and it doesn’t honk
and there is little noise but the drivers look agitated
and staring at me because they are angry and that
is good enough i could of walked faster i can’t hear them
inside their cars but they look like they are angry and that
is good enough and i drop my sunglasses and i stand there
and my brain releases melatonin and i feel sleepy but alive
and the light turns green and all the angry people drive away
some of the passengers look at me standing on the corner
one of them grins i watch the grin ride past my brain says,
‘wait; let me try something,’ and releases more melatonin
and i feel so sleepy and restless and sluggish and maybe even sad
and my brain says, ‘yeah, it’s always been sadness,’
and i say, ‘shut up, it’s more complicated than that’
but i let it
i am sad
my brain says, ‘don’t waste this’
i say, ‘i know,’ and i go into work and stand there
and my brain says, ‘this is work’
and i turn and walk behind the counter and i sit where i can look out a window
i feel afraid that the people at my work are talking about something devious and
financially crippling i did to them because i walked in and sat where i could
look out the window without saying anything i look at a bowling ally
across the street thinking they are talking about
how my detachment is worry and that this is worse that robbing them
straightforwardly because at least in a straightforward situation they
would know what was happening and feel psychologically stable
instead of desensitized and afraid which is how i feel
i see a bowler across the street and the bowler waves hi
i sprint wildly across the street and high five the bowler wearing a wrist guard
because i was really sad until i saw the bowler then i fell in love with the bowler
and i was happy again now i’m back at work humming and scrubbing and smiling
they all say, ‘bowl with me’
and i hand them their change
and one of them says, ‘i rejected all your stories’
then one says, ‘should i buy this’
and soon they all are putting down the bowling balls on the counter and saying
‘should i buy this’
and i get off work
and eat a cookie
and the cookie says nothing
and i go through the zoo and see a dead giraffe on the ground beside a tree
and it is saying, ‘subscribe to me’
it’s saying, ‘don’t ignore me’
it says, ‘save yourself’
and it says, ‘detonate the free t-shirt’
but i have sunglasses on so i can pretend that i didn’t see the
giraffe or hear it because when you have sunglasses on you
can’t hear giraffe anymore and people accept that and so i
step away from the ledge and then it is nighttime and i am in bed and
having another nightmare
but this time there isn’t anything going on
most of what i can see is dark and there is the top of a skull lit up
near the middle for hours i dream about the skull doing nothing
nothing happens i ache and shiver in my sleep at one point
the skull begins to crack and the brain starts to show
a lot of the brain is showing now
and then the skull stops breaking
this is a nightmare and not funny at all but deadly serious because the nightmare
has no sense of humor for a long time it is just the exposed brain surrounded
with a little bit of skull and at the end of the nightmare i touch the top of my head
my hand touches hair touching a pillow i cartwheel out of bed and
go stand near the mirror to get ready for work i scratch my head
and yawn and then drive away in my real life
my favorite right now
________
i want all of it’s happiness to be afraid of itself and weary of being discovered
i want most of the line breaks where you naturally pause
i want every last stanza to be written in fine print
and i only want the variety
because repeating something and never changing
is selling out and incomplete
it doesn’t matter how much you make
because selling out is a figure of speech
and i don’t think you should lie to me like leaving out nature all together
but a nature poem is a poem about one thing and that is selling out and boring
unless your in a good mood, the kind of mood that makes sand look beautiful
i want all of it’s happiness to be afraid of itself and weary of being discovered
i want most of the line breaks where you naturally pause
i want every last stanza to be written in fine print
and i only want the variety
because repeating something and never changing
is selling out and incomplete
it doesn’t matter how much you make
because selling out is a figure of speech
and i don’t think you should lie to me like leaving out nature all together
but a nature poem is a poem about one thing and that is selling out and boring
unless your in a good mood, the kind of mood that makes sand look beautiful
i am tao lin and i decided to talk to you when i saw you on the street
________
i leaned in
i said something
you leaned in some more
it rained
it did something else
it almost did all the rest of it
there are lots of people and it wanted to happen
‘cut a promo,’ it said
‘tao,’ you said
i leaned in to you
we leaned against each other standing there
somewhere
i don’t know
this is what we were doing
we were standing next to a bus stop
next to a tree on a sidewalk of the city
every reason was good
‘i am thinking’ i said
we sat down
it was raining
every five minutes i made a mistake and disappeared
but you are the beach ball flying through the darkness
and i bump into you there and we ricochet a little but we stay close
after a while we found the light switch
but it didn’t do anything
i knew i was in a bright room
everyone was there
tom cruise is jumping from an exploding ship and landing and a woman’s feet to propose
someone on a swing blows bubbles that float above the swing set
and pop against the house
there is cake in the darkness
a human that looked trustworthy is looking for you here
you give me a hand
i cried
something good happened
i cried and crying made my laugh
i leaned in
i said something
you leaned in some more
it rained
it did something else
it almost did all the rest of it
there are lots of people and it wanted to happen
‘cut a promo,’ it said
‘tao,’ you said
i leaned in to you
we leaned against each other standing there
somewhere
i don’t know
this is what we were doing
we were standing next to a bus stop
next to a tree on a sidewalk of the city
every reason was good
‘i am thinking’ i said
we sat down
it was raining
every five minutes i made a mistake and disappeared
but you are the beach ball flying through the darkness
and i bump into you there and we ricochet a little but we stay close
after a while we found the light switch
but it didn’t do anything
i knew i was in a bright room
everyone was there
tom cruise is jumping from an exploding ship and landing and a woman’s feet to propose
someone on a swing blows bubbles that float above the swing set
and pop against the house
there is cake in the darkness
a human that looked trustworthy is looking for you here
you give me a hand
i cried
something good happened
i cried and crying made my laugh
loneliness is just a word that means there is no one around right now and you are starting to remember what it is like when there is someone around
loneliness is just a word that means there is no one around right now and you are starting to remember what it is like when there is someone around and it is possible that you are okay while you attack your psyche but it feels like you have been lonely your whole life and nothing is going to change but that is just stupid because things change a lot and you are different again like you just grew up again and nothing is that wrong you are just bored and want you to have someone there to remind you it isn’t that bad and everything will be just fine
__________
on the internet i say i don’t hate people
tao lin says he hates people a lot more than i do
i am alone at a restaurant
everyone is talking
i feel detached and serious
because that is how i feel when i am around people
i hear you say that you hate people
and i do too but it is because i need them to survive
and i have no control
then you are standing on the path talking
i move very close to you
i hug you a little while you are telling me something
you pat my head and say, ‘i know’ and throw something in the trash
on the train i look you in the eyes
i say i always look people in the eyes now
you ask why
i say so people can see the weakness is my eyes
the next night at four in the morning
i remember when you threw something in the trash and i relate a little
__________
on the internet i say i don’t hate people
tao lin says he hates people a lot more than i do
i am alone at a restaurant
everyone is talking
i feel detached and serious
because that is how i feel when i am around people
i hear you say that you hate people
and i do too but it is because i need them to survive
and i have no control
then you are standing on the path talking
i move very close to you
i hug you a little while you are telling me something
you pat my head and say, ‘i know’ and throw something in the trash
on the train i look you in the eyes
i say i always look people in the eyes now
you ask why
i say so people can see the weakness is my eyes
the next night at four in the morning
i remember when you threw something in the trash and i relate a little
bored? or terrified?
________
even funny movies don’t make me laugh but when i watch them with you
i smile and look over to you and sometimes i say a line again and is alright
i am incapable of laughing quietly
i am never able to address anyone
unless they first show interest in me
i am a person i try to escape it
but i am a person, built slowly over a number of years
and i break when i slam my face with the shovel
even funny movies don’t make me laugh but when i watch them with you
i smile and look over to you and sometimes i say a line again and is alright
i am incapable of laughing quietly
i am never able to address anyone
unless they first show interest in me
i am a person i try to escape it
but i am a person, built slowly over a number of years
and i break when i slam my face with the shovel
i will make this change
________
there is no such thing
as anti-depressant medicine
the plastic bottle in the cabinet is filled with smaller plastic bottles
i get really sad for a little while
and i am glad there is no anti-depressant medicine
so i can learn how to fluctuate
with ease and say, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, whenever
an hour later i still feel sad and i catch myself thinking extremely hard
about a person where the cabinet should be
________
you are wearing shoes
you re just as bored
you laugh some
you have the face of a hamster and you build me into a fort made of people
in the corner of your room
i touch someone on either side and try to detach and blockade
there is no such thing
as anti-depressant medicine
the plastic bottle in the cabinet is filled with smaller plastic bottles
i get really sad for a little while
and i am glad there is no anti-depressant medicine
so i can learn how to fluctuate
with ease and say, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, whenever
an hour later i still feel sad and i catch myself thinking extremely hard
about a person where the cabinet should be
________
you are wearing shoes
you re just as bored
you laugh some
you have the face of a hamster and you build me into a fort made of people
in the corner of your room
i touch someone on either side and try to detach and blockade
i am about to destroy tao lin
________
if tao lin doesn’t reply to my comment in the next ten minutes saying
how people are binary star systems i think i might do something
whatever i do won’t be against the law
but tao lin will wish i was handcuffed so i couldn’t type anymore
if i were a cat i would jump up and touch the screen where the mouse is moving
so tao lin couldn’t see the screen
i am a fur coat and i fling myself off the coat rack onto the desk
right into tao lin’s pasta
then tao lin starts to feel afraid
i am an egg timer shaped like a bell pepper
and i am watching tao lin trying to disappear
and that’s perfect because i can destroy anyone i want
i give tao lin the magic to disappear
the entire tao lin disappears along with all his belongings
because life is suffering and suffering is not evil it is boring
and if you want to have meaning then meaning is pretty much
all you get but if you want to disappear i can help
i am the universe in the future
i am you hundreds of years ago
if tao lin doesn’t reply to my comment in the next ten minutes saying
how people are binary star systems i think i might do something
whatever i do won’t be against the law
but tao lin will wish i was handcuffed so i couldn’t type anymore
if i were a cat i would jump up and touch the screen where the mouse is moving
so tao lin couldn’t see the screen
i am a fur coat and i fling myself off the coat rack onto the desk
right into tao lin’s pasta
then tao lin starts to feel afraid
i am an egg timer shaped like a bell pepper
and i am watching tao lin trying to disappear
and that’s perfect because i can destroy anyone i want
i give tao lin the magic to disappear
the entire tao lin disappears along with all his belongings
because life is suffering and suffering is not evil it is boring
and if you want to have meaning then meaning is pretty much
all you get but if you want to disappear i can help
i am the universe in the future
i am you hundreds of years ago
7 : 30 a.m.
________
i am petting the cat in bed
i don’t really care about existential
it’s not that bad
i am nervous in my bed alone in my room
i am fucked normally
i am just a normal person
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
he told me to tell you
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
i will tell him you died
while i told you
i am petting the cat in bed
i don’t really care about existential
it’s not that bad
i am nervous in my bed alone in my room
i am fucked normally
i am just a normal person
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
he told me to tell you
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
tao lin is fucked existentially
i will tell him you died
while i told you
malkovichmalkovich
________
i feel most comfortable around people
i know they are all thinking different things than me
WHY IS THERE A LINE?
WHERE IS NEW JERSEY?
their faces show a pretty big range of emotion
also
about how no one was saying anything at all
we don’t care
we don’t want to communicate
we just want to get out food
and eat it
and go home
and go to sleep
or else find a secret passage way behind the filing cabinet
and throw a frenchfry in the passage
and move the cabinet back to where it was
and go to sleep
i feel most comfortable around people
i know they are all thinking different things than me
WHY IS THERE A LINE?
WHERE IS NEW JERSEY?
their faces show a pretty big range of emotion
also
about how no one was saying anything at all
we don’t care
we don’t want to communicate
we just want to get out food
and eat it
and go home
and go to sleep
or else find a secret passage way behind the filing cabinet
and throw a frenchfry in the passage
and move the cabinet back to where it was
and go to sleep
i appreciate you for everything good you have done in the past
________
when you die the world becomes off limits
like a fun house in a closed carnival
the fun house is far away it collapses at the speed of light
tao lin made that up a while ago
he lives in a high-density urban area
i am hard working,
people-dependent, i can hear a room full of conversations at one time
i am honest sometimes i am mean and ironic
i enjoy screaming and getting screamed
i think you are the nobel prize
‘i am going to play videogames all day,’ i think that’s funny
i feel happy
and i don’t i am bored
it makes sense that there are negative numbers in the field of positive numbers
sometimes a negative number and a positive number equal the same thing
when they are real numbers
so negative-one apple looks like positive one apple
the world isn’t so stupid tao lin
it is just boring into submission
i can prove it
anytime in broad day light anytime
when you die the world becomes off limits
like a fun house in a closed carnival
the fun house is far away it collapses at the speed of light
tao lin made that up a while ago
he lives in a high-density urban area
i am hard working,
people-dependent, i can hear a room full of conversations at one time
i am honest sometimes i am mean and ironic
i enjoy screaming and getting screamed
i think you are the nobel prize
‘i am going to play videogames all day,’ i think that’s funny
i feel happy
and i don’t i am bored
it makes sense that there are negative numbers in the field of positive numbers
sometimes a negative number and a positive number equal the same thing
when they are real numbers
so negative-one apple looks like positive one apple
the world isn’t so stupid tao lin
it is just boring into submission
i can prove it
anytime in broad day light anytime
i honestly know who this poem is directed at and i write it with conviction and ease
____
part of your philosophy of life is that you don't want any drugs or any drunk
you are nihilistic daily but you still care about the environment somehow
your worldview is that gmailchat, tao lin, and vegans are
the best
your belief system is that tonight you are going to be bored
you are an asshole to other people because of the human condition,
existentialism, and your high IQ
you would rather punch someone in the face and kill them than have them think you might be
overcome with happiness
your greatest accomplishment in life is keeping a calm face when you are nervous
part of your philosophy of life is that you don't want any drugs or any drunk
you are nihilistic daily but you still care about the environment somehow
your worldview is that gmailchat, tao lin, and vegans are
the best
your belief system is that tonight you are going to be bored
you are an asshole to other people because of the human condition,
existentialism, and your high IQ
you would rather punch someone in the face and kill them than have them think you might be
overcome with happiness
your greatest accomplishment in life is keeping a calm face when you are nervous
i walk on the earth and i am not immature
_______
i have never read fight club
is it a book? i listen to disturbed in public
i’m fourteen years old
who is satan?
you are god
i keep the meaning of things to myself so it might as well not exist
i am a periphery character in a james patterson novel
and i am going to die
and so is mom and dad
your brain fits in your skull
and someone works on a time machine their whole life then dies
and if you gave me three reasonable wishes
i would never cash them in
because i would feel like i was asking too much
and everytime i got close to wishing something
something else would happen and i would forget
then you would punch me in the face
and i would wish your hand had gone through my face
and you would laugh at me and later on
I’d make eye contact with you in a park
and you would walk over and slam my teeth against the bench
and i’d try to look at your face and pass out
i have never read fight club
is it a book? i listen to disturbed in public
i’m fourteen years old
who is satan?
you are god
i keep the meaning of things to myself so it might as well not exist
i am a periphery character in a james patterson novel
and i am going to die
and so is mom and dad
your brain fits in your skull
and someone works on a time machine their whole life then dies
and if you gave me three reasonable wishes
i would never cash them in
because i would feel like i was asking too much
and everytime i got close to wishing something
something else would happen and i would forget
then you would punch me in the face
and i would wish your hand had gone through my face
and you would laugh at me and later on
I’d make eye contact with you in a park
and you would walk over and slam my teeth against the bench
and i’d try to look at your face and pass out
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